dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
