Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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