I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this beer tastes like vomit already
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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