You made me cry and you don't even care
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
