jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
