dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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