i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
