3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
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