I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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