does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
