i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
