Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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