Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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