I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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