Can Purell be used as lube?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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