thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
