stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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