why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
