I hate your face
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
