shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
