First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
