It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
