ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
