I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
