I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
