I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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