You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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