Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize