your thong is hanging out like whoa
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
