considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
