I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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