The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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