i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
