Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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