Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
FUCK WHALES
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