I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
