Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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