I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
