i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
