i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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