its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
