I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
