I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
