i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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