My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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