I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
