my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
