Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
