I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
