I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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