I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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