It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
